Beyond Forgetting (Rolando Carbonell)

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For a moment I thought I could forget you.

For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart.

I thought the past could no longer haunt me — nor hurt me.

How wrong I was.

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself.

And you are part of that life.

You are so much a part of me — of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions — that in all my tasks I can’t help remembering you.

Many little delights and things remind me of you.

Yes, I came.

And would my pride mock my real feelings?

Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face,

be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone.

I thought I could make myself forget you in silence and in song…

And yet I remembered.

For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung.

I cannot sing it without you.

The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you

and I have been one.

I have wanted this misery to end

because it is part of my restlessness.

Can’t you understand?

Can’t you divine the depth and the tenderness of my feelings towards you?

Yes, can’t you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference.

But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart.

How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone?

But, perhaps, you didn’t understand.

Remember, I came because the gnawing loneliness is there and

will not be lost until the music is sung,

until the poem is heard,

until the silence is understood,

until you come to me again.

For you alone

can blend the music and memory

into one consuming ecstasy.

You alone.

***a poem that consorted me during my time of wretchedness some years ago; a poem that very well expressed in words what my heart was inching to scream back then…A poem I will forever hold dear in my heart for it never fails to remind me that I was once lost, but through the loving grace of God, I was found again.”

 

This is my 12.12.12. post.

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