Time to start over again.
Like you were given a key to reset the button of your heart so it can beat normally again like how it used to.
They say you will meet three kinds of love in your life — your first love, second love and your third or the love that lasts forever.
If only I could, I would have wished my first love would be my last and forever love. That guy loved me so perfectly. I never thought I would ever experienced being loved by a man like that. We were somewhat young then — I was 19 and he was 21. But young as we were then, we were already sure of our feelings for each other. We even planned on getting married on the second year of our relationship. Yes, that was too early to be so sure of each other. But that’s how intense our love was. Sadly, we were not given the chance to forever in this lifetime because he died even before we were able to celebrate our second anniversary. Perhaps the love was too much that it consumed us both. We failed to see ourselves apart from each other. We forgot individuality. We even forgot about the other people who also love us because we were so focused with our love. Indeed, too much love could really kill.
Before I met my second love, I had the chance to experience an almost love. I met him in a foreign land at a time when I wasn’t really looking for someone to love. We were classmates in an English class and I didn’t even expect that we will really hit it off. Must be our love for the same type of music that really connected us to each other. Our almost relationship was a brief episode in my life but it took me a number of years to move on from it. Probably because there was no proper closure and we weren’t even able to actually profess our feelings for each other. However brief it was, that guy surely made me feel special. He would often drive me home and would even visit me on his days off from work. He would even accompany me at home whenever he knows my housemate wasn’t at home because he wanted to make sure that I’m safe at home. I’ve learned to appreciate playlists and mixtapes more because of him. He’s the first guy who ever offered to make me a playlist of the songs we both like to listen to. However sweet that episode was, it needed to end because we don’t share the same love for Jesus so I had to take a step back and let him go. It was an almost love that I still cherished because even if that guy didn’t say anything to me, he made me feel that I’m someone he won’t ever forget.
And then came my second love. I met him at a time when I’m already in the very ripe age to settle down. We are of the same age and we even share the same birth month. I thought that was cool since we can talk about our era together and there’ll be no generational gap. The only problem was we were living in a different time zones. We talked online for three months before we finally met and became officially a couple. I don’t really believe that long distance relationship doesn’t work because I think it totally depends on the couple. If both of them are committed to the relationship, then the distance won’t be an issue. Sadly, the man wasn’t fully committed to the relationship. I thought he was but it took me my instinct and my investigative skills to find out that he actually wasn’t. Maybe he really loved me but he just couldn’t let go of his “single” lifestyle yet.
Just like what they say about your second love, it is supposed to be the hard love — the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. There were a lot of lies, betrayal of trusts in the three months of our relationship. I kept giving chances because I still believe the guy is capable to love truly and faithfully because he is a good person. But as everything has ending, the patience and endurance reached my limit. I had to end the relationship.
I don’t care even if I’m already old enough to find another love again. My peace of mind and my self-worth are way precious to me to just let a man take them both away. I would rather wait a little more for that love that truly deserves me and I deserve than settle for someone who doesn’t know how to love me right and doesn’t value my worth enough. Perhaps I’m too proud and too smart to settle for the kind of love he can afford to offer. I know I deserve more because I know that I can love more. I won’t easily be fooled by a love that can’t commit to only me.
When we broke up, there were no tears. I was hoping I could shed some for this episode in my life so that I could experience how it is to cry over a break-up. This is the very first time I’ve experienced a break up in my 30+ years of existence. But maybe, that’s just how I deal with pain — I tend to escape it by not thinking about it. Or maybe I have cried way too much when my first love died that I couldn’t cry anymore now. Or perhaps I don’t think he’s worthy enough for my tears? I don’t really know. Who knows? Maybe I will cry on some occasion when I miss him or what we used to do or the routines we used to have. But for now, I can’t feel anything. I just want to write and write my emotions and all that’s in my mind. Which is actually good about pain — it inspires me to write again.
I still think he is a good person but maybe, I’m just not yet his game changer. As what he said, he still needs to fix himself before he can fix our relationship. I don’t know what’s going to happen after this. I still care about him, though and I still wish him well. May he really let God enter his heart so He could change him completely. Only the Creator’s hand can fix a broken man.
So for my third love.. only God knows when he will come and who he will be. I just hope I won’t have to wait for too long anymore. But even so, I am pretty sure he is worth the wait. My second love thought me an important lesson never to settle for someone less than God’s best for you. I have learned that lesson the hard way. But thankfully, even before I became too consumed with the relationship again, God already pulled me out of it and made me start over again. Now, I’m restarting my heart. I am ready to wait for God’s perfect one for me– someone who really knows how to love me. Someone I truly deserve.