I dreamed about you again last night. Actually, I am not sure if it was you or someone else but I know you were part of that dream. I was walking on the street, holding hands with a man whom I had a very vague vision of. In my dream, that man I believed is my boyfriend. He told me that he wants to give me a ring. However, he asked me to remove first the ring I’m currently wearing, which was the ring you were supposed to give me before you died. I told the guy in my dream that I can’t afford to remove that ring from my finger because it would mean I’m already removing you completely from my life. I saw the sad expression from that guy’s face. He didn’t say a word, he held my hand, and just looked at me. His eyes looked so sad. I kissed him, said sorry, and I told him that I hope he could understand that I just can’t completely forget you or clear away all the remarkable things you’ve left me. The guy didn’t answer me. I felt so sorry for him and I felt in pain seeing the sad look on his face.
And then I woke up. I cuddled the pillow next to me. I’m not sure what my dream really meant but I really felt sad when I woke up. I felt really sorry for that guy in my dream. Could it be that I’d already met that guy whom God chose for me to share the rest of my life with, but I’m just too blind or too stubborn to notice him? Or perhaps God wants me to realize through my dream that He already wants me to meet that guy but I just need to really let go of you completely?
Then I met your mom this afternoon. I gave her my birthday gift for her and Papa Turing. She looks more at peace now. Perhaps it’s because she’s having a great time playing with your cute pamangkins. We had a few chat since I was also in a rush ’cause I still have a meeting to attend in the church. After a few talks, I kissed her goodbye. A few moments after we parted ways, i received a text from her. She told me she’s so happy whenever she sees me and that she could always see you in me. She said she really believes that you are very happy now wherever you are.
You know, if only I could choose, I would really want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. I wouldn’t want anybody else if only you are here. Sadly, our story’s forever happened and ended too soon.
But I know i need to be happy again. I know I need to fall in love again. if only i could stop my heart so i could only love you till the last days of my life.
But you know very well I really want to have my own family. I always dream of a wonderful and romantic wedding. I want kids. And I can’t do it if I will forever stop myself from falling for a man just because I don’t want to be unfaithful to you and our memories. I know it’s absurd but that’s what I’m feeling every time I feel something for a certain guy.
I stopped wearing the necklace you gave me. Well, primary reason was it’s becoming rusty already. And yes, I just feel that I really need to make a move or at least take mini-steps to let you go and move on. I guess I’ll start from that and then who knows what I could afford to do next. One thing I know, no matter what happens, you’ll always have a very special place in my heart. You’ll always be here and I’ll always love you. If I’m bound to really fall in love again, I’ll just leave everything to God. He will be the one to lead me to the right way.