Right now, I just want to shoot myself to death. i’m feeling so guilty. One of my dear friends is going to China and he’ll be staying there for a year and i didn’t even exert much effort to meet him or at least see him before he leaves. Why am I being like this? I’m feeling so bad. seriously.
I know it’s just a year, but still, it’s a year–12 months, 365 days of not seeing him. well, we’re not really the kind of friends who often see each other. sometimes nga i feel that we only see each other mga twice a year lang. so supposed to be, there’s no big deal, really, right? but still, there’s a big difference knowing that that person is here in the Philippines and you have all the chance to see him if you want versus knowing that person is living in a foreign land, miles apart from you. ang laking difference, promise!
I love you so much. You know that! I just don’t understand myself why when I read your FB message, I suddenly want to be MIA. weird. i don’t know what came into me.
I came up with some possible reasons why I felt that way:
1. The Long FB Thread
-could it be the long thread na sabi mo nga eh sobrang daldal ng mga taong involved kaya nde
na din ako maka-epal?
2. Insecure na naman aq sa frogs?
-perhaps, I felt so out of tune with the way you guys care for each other and are so attached with each other kaya i decided not to see you na lang kse i felt that no matter what, iba pa din ang frogs. Oo na, insecure na naman aq sa kanila! But don’t worry, there’ll be no disliking karen part 2 here. i told u, i started to love her na din:-) Maybe i’m insecure with the kind of friendship you guys have.
3. I don’t know what to give you
– before i accidentally bumped into you sa the block, i was thinking of a nice stuff to give you. then you told me nga that you’re afraid you might run out of oil control film. so i decided na when il see you, il hand you a good number of oil control films, enough to get you through the whole year without oiliness. pero i realized, you’re going to buy that na nga eh so para ano pa ung bibilhin ko.
4. I’m feeling so fat now so I don’t want to see old faces muna.
– and i don’t want them to see me. sigh. ang arte-arte ko, i know! a very lame excuse not to see you.
5. I don’t want dramas.
– the same thing that you don’t want dramas. I want to think that you leaving for china is just a simple thing. like it’s not really a big deal. i mean, hey! we could still see each other after a year, right? u know me, nde aq madrama. i’m not transparent with my emotions. maton kung maton lang. nde ako sweet. minsan lang. but i love you. u know that. i just don’t want tight-hugs-with-matching-teary-eyes scenes. nde aq un. ewan ko kung ikaw un. basta nde aq un. perhaps i tried to escape that supposed scene kaya i dcided not to see you na lang. i don’t know how to act kse eh. pansin mo when i saw you sa the block, i’m trying to think of the right way to act in front of a friend who’s about to leave for abroad. really. weird.
Going back to the Number 2 item, pede din naman nde insecure. Cguro the kind of friendship you have is something that’s a bit unusual to me. You guys give so much time, care and affection to your friendship.
The things that i seldom give my friends. I always have lame excuses not to meet you and them. I always have reasons not to text you and them. But I do love you and them. It’s just that I don’t want to be too attached. That’s something that I learned when I lost a great love. being attached too much would make you cry so much when that person leaves you. and i don’t want to experience that anymore. kaya cguro i’m trying to detach myself from my friends. and because of that, guilt is encapsulating my whole system now. feelng ko im burning bridges and i don’t even know why.
I don’t know how many times i made you feel that i care for and love you in the entire course of our friendship. while you are always giving me surprises–gifts, visits, etc–i seldom do that to you. cguro pinaka effort q na was during your 25th bday. un na un! while on my way back to manila yesterday, i saw a flower shop and i thought of you. i thought of those times when i was confined in the hospital and you’re the only one who’d rush your way just to check of i’m doing okay. i thought of those times when you papa was in the hospital and you’d visit him. he loves you, u know. i thought of the million of things you’ve done for me. we seldom spend time with each other but i could always feel your care for me.
I”m sure going to miss you. beyond words. i may not be that good a friend to you, but know for sure that i am a friend no matter what. i’m just not the type who would always check on her friends to know if they’re okay. but i love you. i treasure our friendship so much. i’m always proud of it.
This blog is dedicated to you. syempre ikaw naman ang sole subject nito. i know this is nothing as compared to me seeing you or joining your dinner. i did it because this is the only way i know to let you know that i’m really going to miss you. alam mo naman, i always burn my emotions and thoughts in my writings.
Most of all, I’m so proud of you. I’m happy that you’ve finally find your way to the realization of your dreams. I’ll be praying for a good life for you there.
Walang drama. basahin mo lang. tawanan mo. umarte ka, pwede din. wag mo lang ookrayin at bebembangin kita.
I love you ***Teach! take care! Be safe always!Mwahhh!
***ayan na! i cut out those words na*** lugi ka pa?!
Note: repost (June 2010)