(This is a repost from my Multiply site)
A friend once asked me why i seem to love my late boyfriend so much. i wanted to give her a handful of reasons why. but i didn’t. Instead, i told her this: “He’s the only one who took care of me.”
I never plan those words to come out of my mouth. They just simply came out. I didn’t even think of it. Maybe, it was my heart that spoke for me.
I just realized one thing: that all my life, no one has ever took care of me than what Oliver did to me–except of course my family. But still, writing those words after the hyphen also made me think twice. In my family, i think the only one who really showed my extra care is my mom. Not even my dad could contest with the way Oliver took care of me. Not that i’m startng to lose my sense of gratitude here. It’s just that all my life, the people around me think i could always stand on my own. They always think i could manage wherever and whatever. Instead of being the one taken cared of, i’m always the one looking after my loved ones. i was never the weakling. i’m always in control of what i want.
as a child, i was not used to asking for help in opening this and that or doing this and that. As much as i could, i want to do things my own instead of asking for help. Maybe because i fear rejection more than i fear mistakes. i hate feeling inferior of other people–especially those close to my heart. haplessly, i often feel that way.
i lived a life of unending comparisons. anywhere i go, people always seem to see something to compare me to other individual. and as always, i end up losing the game. I’m always the mediocre for them.
perhaps, that’s mainly the reason why i fear rejection more than i fear getting wrong. it’s because the pain of committing mistakes is much more tolerable than being rejected or being the second or last option. rejection could slice your heart inside.
i got it perfectly right. the words are BEING THE SECOND OR LAST OPTION. that’s basically me. i was never the first choice. always the second one.
looking back, i realized i was never the “baby” in our group. no one has ever treated me like a dear baby. my friends, instead, treated me like a wall they could punch if they’re feeling angry of the world. maybe because of the virility i never fail to show them. they always thought i could always carry on; that i don’t need a pat in the back because i’m much stronger than other people. only 3 from my guy friends treated me like a real lady. for most, i’m just one of them..instead of asking how i’m doing or feeling, they’d instead ask me to look over my other girlfriends.
for most, i’m a happy-go-lucky fellow. a clown. someone who never seem to be struck with sorrow and pains.
But i’m honestly not.
When was the last time i cried in front of you?
I think that was when Oliver died. But after the burial, you never saw my tears again.
Did you ever bother to ask me how am i doing? Did you ever wonder why you never see me cry again after that? it’s because my tears are exclusive for myself only. my sighs and my whimpers only come out at night–when everybody else are asleep and no one alive could witness my sobs and my sighs.
From all the people who walked in and out of my life, only one person saw the real pains i’ve been keeping inside for so long. Only one guy sincerely lend me a hand and took me out of my insecurities and fear of rejections. It was Oliver.
At first, i was having trouble getting used to the affection he was showing me. It just felt weird. Back then, i felt like i was never bagay for that. But i love the feeling. I love being taken cared of. For the frst time in my life, someone–a total stranger–made me feel that i’m indeed a LADY worthy of special affection and attention. And everything he’d done and showed me was contrary to what my other friends inculcated in my heart and mind.
For the first time in my life, i felt so much loved and pampered. for the first time, I felt so important, like as if that person will die if i’ll be gone. And that literally happened. And i never felt so much important since then.
And he left me. Without any warning, he peter out of my life. and i was never the same again.
now, i’m living a life full of questions and fears. life full of doubts and miseries. i keep asking myself will i ever meet another soul again in this lifetime who will take care of me the way Oliver did. will i ever feel that important again?
i’m not really sure. only one thing’s certain for me: no one could ever make me feel so much loved and taken cared of than what Oliver did when he’s still alive–and even now that he’s already with God in heaven. No one again in this lifetime. I might meet another soul to share my life with, but he can never be on a par or contest the kind of love and care that Oliver had given me.
You may never understand it because you never felt what i felt. Nevertheless, just believe me when i say I’VE ALREADY FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE. and i’m willing to wait for that time when i’ll be meeting him again–in another life.