The Day I Found My Solitude

(repost from my Multiply site–written 4 years ago)

“Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive you as my Saviour and Lord. Thank you for forgiving for my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.”

To be perfectly frank and honest, this prayer was not really a big deal to me before. I remember my former boss recited this prayer while putting her hand on top of my head (you pictured it right–she’s doing some sort of praying over) during the time when i dropped by SSCC’s office in Meycauayan to get my things since that was my last day of work there. She walked me through the small conference room where we talked about the tragedy that happened to me, which was also one of the main reasons why i decided to leave them. That time, she made me understand God’s love and feel His presence in my life. Haplessly, since that time i was on the verge of emotions and i was in the middle of whether to decide to go on living or taking my own life, i wasn’t able to completely absorb her words. I was confused that time and i must admit that a part of my heart wanted to hate God for the tragic occurrence in my life, so talking about God’s love and his ultimate concern for us was something that I find very hard to believe in.

That incident happened almost three years ago. Now, if you’re going to ask me what is the weight of that prayer for me this moment, I would be very proud and glad to say that no amount of tear-jerking movies or sad love songs, or sad love stories could make me cry like how that simple prayer made me whimper in tears.

I was with Vannah and her Christian friend last night for our TGI Friday schedule, which is Bible study and sharing. In one of my questions, this guy put out a mini booklet and read to me the 4 Laws of Salvation. When we came across that prayer in the booklet, I was asked to pray and follow the words he says. At first, I was doing it with eyes wide open. But then, something inside of me seemed to advise me to close my eyes and feel the power of every word in that prayer. Honestly, I felt something inside. It’s like I was being presented to God and being welcomed in His kingdom. The feeling was truly wonderful. Now, I believe I’m already a different person–different in the sense that I already know and understand the true meaning of God in my life.

I know saying these stuff is so not me. Perhaps, some of my friends and acquaintances who hadwitnessed my ka-toxic-an and kawalangyaan plus kamalditahan and ka-war-freak-an in highschool and college might even comment that I’m one of the last people who they think would utter those words. In that, I could only say that, people grow and people change as they grow old. I believe there will surely come a time when you’ll feel a need to develop your relationship with God. You will eventually feel unsatisfied with your current creator-man connection with Him, and thus, would make you yearn for a more intimate one.

That basically what happened to me. I never planned for this change of heart to happen in my life. It just came naturally. It’s like I woke up one day realizing the need to get to be more close to Him. Conceivably, I could give credit to the tragedy that I’d experienced since I believe it’s one of the biggest factors why I seek refuge from God. Maybe, it’s God’s way of calling me to be of service to Him. And with that, I am very willing to oblige.

In between the years when my former boss prayed me over with that prayer and now, I believe God is slowly preparing me for a big change of heart and mind. I believe that He is gradually making me feel understand His true meaning in my life. If before i feel a little gauche whenever i think of those prayer meetings, Bible studies, and etc., now I’m sincerely excited about it, for I know that in every session that we have, I’m developing and discovering more of the wonders of God’s love and His goodness.

I’d like to credit Vannah for this change in me, too. She was really a great inspiration for this. If not for her patience and determination to bring me closer to God, I would have not felt that wonderful feeling I felt when I completely and wholeheartedly accepted Jesus Christ in my life.

Now, if I happen to bump through you one of these days and you see that I’m still the old Apple you used to gag and laugh with before, don’t think that I’m just trying to make a press release of that changes in me. No, my dear friends. the change is inside of me. Too deep that you may never understand easily. When i say change, it doesn’t mean that I’m already the all-good girl. i could still blab about any stuff or rant just about everything because I’m still human, and humans are bound to sin. However, i know that i already developed a more personal and intimate relationship with God and I know that time will come when my overflowing love for Him would eventually direct my heart to do good things according to His will.

I hope and pray you’ll find Him, too, one of these days. God Bless.


3 thoughts on “The Day I Found My Solitude

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