In Another Life

(written 5 years ago)

It’s been two years now
Since you said your last goodbye
And I still can’t find the strength
To move on and let you go
From that moment when I saw you
Lying lifeless inside that gloomy room
I know for sure,
I will never be okay
never again in this lifetime
That painful moment, I so wanted to hate you
Hate you for not fulfilling your promise
Of growing old with me
Hate you for leaving me that fast and sudden
I wanted to loathe the fact of you coming into my life
I wanted to scream at you, shout at you
Blame you for this never-ending pain you’ve caused my heart
I wanted so bad to stop my heart from loving you
But honey, I truly can’t
Believe me, I can’t
For how can I get mad at the only man
Who taught me how it’s like to love unconditionally?
How can I hate the only guy who made me feel so much loved and taken cared of?
How can I fill my heart with fury for that one special person
Who showered me with so much affection and kindness?
And yes, how can I truly abhor those wonderful memories you and I had shared
If those were my life’s greatest recollection?
Indeed, the memories of our love were the finest chronicles of my existence
You may have left me out of the blue
And I might never see you again in this lifetime
But honey, be rest assured that you’ve already brought my heart with you there in heaven
My dear, you forgot to give it back to me when you left
But that’s fine…
In fact, I demand that you keep it forever with you
And I promise you I’ll take good care of your heart with me
My love, time may pass me by
And I might never get up again from this painful mire
And yet, I will not care a bit
For I know, I believe in my very heart
That after this throbbing chapter of my being
I will finally be happy again
I’ll finally stumble on that rainbow of happiness again
And that, my honey, will happen
If I lose my breath and never open my eyes anymore
For only in my death, could I ever find you again
Only in my death, could I again kiss you and embrace you tightly
Only when I finally say goodbye to this world
Could I ever find my true happiness again
And that’s when we’ll be together once more
Allow me to cry and shed my tears for you today
For not long after this day, I’ll be showing my lovely and precious smile again
And yes, that will happen in another lifetime
In another lifetime where our hearts will be united in love again
Go on my dear
Go on and play your lyre now
Sing our favorite songs with your fellow angels
And I’ll go on sail my ship now
I still have a long journey to take
But I promise you,
I’ll never loose sight of that star
Which symbolizes your eternal love for me
Don’t worry about me, my love
I promise you, I’ll try to carry on
Through the power of our eternal love
I know, I’ll make it through
Goodbye for now, my dear
Until we meet again

10-21-02

Of Teddy Bear and Ice Cream Stick

(This is a repost from my Multiply site)

A friend once asked me why i seem to love my late boyfriend so much. i wanted to give her a handful of reasons why. but i didn’t. Instead, i told her this: “He’s the only one who took care of me.”

I never plan those words to come out of my mouth. They just simply came out. I didn’t even think of it. Maybe, it was my heart that spoke for me.

I just realized one thing: that all my life, no one has ever took care of me than what Oliver did to me–except of course my family. But still, writing those words after the hyphen also made me think twice. In my family, i think the only one who really showed my extra care is my mom. Not even my dad could contest with the way Oliver took care of me. Not that i’m startng to lose my sense of gratitude here. It’s just that all my life, the people around me think i could always stand on my own. They always think i could manage wherever and whatever. Instead of being the one taken cared of, i’m always the one looking after my loved ones. i was never the weakling. i’m always in control of what i want.

as a child, i was not used to asking for help in opening this and that or doing this and that. As much as i could, i want to do things my own instead of asking for help. Maybe because i fear rejection more than i fear mistakes. i hate feeling inferior of other people–especially those close to my heart. haplessly, i often feel that way.

i lived a life of unending comparisons. anywhere i go, people always seem to see something to compare me to other individual. and as always, i end up losing the game. I’m always the mediocre for them.

perhaps, that’s mainly the reason why i fear rejection more than i fear getting wrong. it’s because the pain of committing mistakes is much more tolerable than being rejected or being the second or last option. rejection could slice your heart inside.

i got it perfectly right. the words are BEING THE SECOND OR LAST OPTION. that’s basically me. i was never the first choice. always the second one.

looking back, i realized i was never the “baby” in our group. no one has ever treated me like a dear baby. my friends, instead, treated me like a wall they could punch if they’re feeling angry of the world. maybe because of the virility i never fail to show them. they always thought i could always carry on; that i don’t need a pat in the back because i’m much stronger than other people. only 3 from my guy friends treated me like a real lady. for most, i’m just one of them..instead of asking how i’m doing or feeling, they’d instead ask me to look over my other girlfriends.

for most, i’m a happy-go-lucky fellow. a clown. someone who never seem to be struck with sorrow and pains.

But i’m honestly not.

When was the last time i cried in front of you?

I think that was when Oliver died. But after the burial, you never saw my tears again.

Did you ever bother to ask me how am i doing? Did you ever wonder why you never see me cry again after that? it’s because my tears are exclusive for myself only. my sighs and my whimpers only come out at night–when everybody else are asleep and no one alive could witness my sobs and my sighs.

From all the people who walked in and out of my life, only one person saw the real pains i’ve been keeping inside for so long. Only one guy sincerely lend me a hand and took me out of my insecurities and fear of rejections. It was Oliver.

At first, i was having trouble getting used to the affection he was showing me. It just felt weird. Back then, i felt like i was never bagay for that. But i love the feeling. I love being taken cared of. For the frst time in my life, someone–a total stranger–made me feel that i’m indeed a LADY worthy of special affection and attention. And everything he’d done and showed me was contrary to what my other friends inculcated in my heart and mind.

For the first time in my life, i felt so much loved and pampered. for the first time, I felt so important, like as if that person will die if i’ll be gone. And that literally happened. And i never felt so much important since then.

And he left me. Without any warning, he peter out of my life. and i was never the same again.

now, i’m living a life full of questions and fears. life full of doubts and miseries. i keep asking myself will i ever meet another soul again in this lifetime who will take care of me the way Oliver did. will i ever feel that important again?

i’m not really sure. only one thing’s certain for me: no one could ever make me feel so much loved and taken cared of than what Oliver did when he’s still alive–and even now that he’s already with God in heaven. No one again in this lifetime. I might meet another soul to share my life with, but he can never be on a par or contest the kind of love and care that Oliver had given me.

You may never understand it because you never felt what i felt. Nevertheless, just believe me when i say I’VE ALREADY FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE. and i’m willing to wait for that time when i’ll be meeting him again–in another life.