Ending This Decade with….

A grateful heart.

The decade 2009- 2019 was a roller coaster one. It had its share of ups and definitely low points. Hills and valleys. But in all those seasons, I was assured and kept secured that God was with me. That alone is enough reason to be grateful.

This decade saw me mourn the deaths of my precious loved ones — that of my father, grandma, uncles. But it also saw me rejoice in the truth that they are home in the arms of Jesus and someday soon, we will be reunited again.

This decade saw me shifted careers. From working in a posh 5-star hotel as a public relations officer, I am now enjoying my job as a preschool teacher. It was a shift I never regretted, though. Everyday that I go to school and get to see and experience the funny antics of my students, it’s an everyday reminder that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I am also grateful that I am still able to continue my passion for my writing as I still get to write for certain projects every now and then.

This decade saw me grow my faith in God and flourished in my walk with Him. It’s true when they say that you can experience more of Jesus if you spend more time with Him. I’ve come to know Him more and not just as a God resting in Heaven. He is my personal God and Savior. Year 2019, specifically, was the year that I’ve experienced God as my protector and shield. I am blessed to be experiencing this unconditional love from Him everyday. I am not a good person but His love is making me want to be better everyday.

This decade saw me answer the call to go to the nations. A calling I didn’t know I am actually deserving to have, but God qualified me for it. I went on a short sojourn in Medan, Indonesia and is now enjoying my season in Vietnam. Apart from the Philippines, these nations hold a special place in my heart. I got to enjoy their beautiful culture and share the beauty of knowing Jesus at the same time.

This decade also saw me keep the friends I knew from way back then and gain new friends I now call my constants. There were some I lost along the way but nevertheless, I am glad to keep those worth keeping. There were hellos and goodbyes as there were healings and restorations.

This decade saw me opened my heart again. I lost my first love in 2004 and I thought my heart won’t be able to love again. This new love isn’t the same as the old one, but who would want a repeat of an old love? I’m thankful that this new love is something I could enjoy discovering the beauty each new day. I like that it isn’t predictable and I like that I feel more secured now. It wasn’t the usual “highschool kilig” feels when we met. Rather, I felt more at home with him. I felt home with him. Will this love be until the end? Only God knows. I have offered this new love to Jesus and anchored it to Him because I know that only Jesus could make it work. I want Him to not be a special guest in our relationship but a very essential part of it.

In a few hours from now, I will be saying goodbye to this decade. This decade that gave me a different look at life. I am just thankful that God didn’t let me end this decade with unanswered prayers. I am grateful for the gift of family and friends who never fail to make me feel loved and cared for. Most of all, I am forever thankful to Jesus for choosing me and for loving me unconditionally all the days of my life.

Year 2020. I am ready to create new memories on your blank pages.

That Morning I Heard From Him…

“And don’t pray to God, ’cause He won’t talk back”

As much as I like the soundtrack of Begin Again (one of my favorite films, by the way), this part of one of the movie’s soundtracks, A Step You Can’t Take Back,  somehow bothers me and makes me uncomfortable whenever I listen to it. Maybe the writer of this song was referring to some other god or maybe it’s a metaphor or something. I only love music but I’m not a music and lyrics genius so I can’t really tell. Nevertheless, one thing’s certain here: this statement is in no way the truth.

I strongly disagree. Because God does talk to us. And I’m saying this not because I’m a Christian, but because God really talks to us. In many ways. In many forms.

And I personally experienced that. God talked to me. In one of those days when I felt I was not deserving of His presence.

It was the fifth and last day of the annual prayer and fasting time of our church. I was supposed to do my morning devotions but I woke up late so I decided to do it during lunch break instead. But that wasn’t what God wanted to happen.

It was 10 minutes before 7am and my work starts at 7am so I should be going already but that task was very important so I had to message my co-teacher that I will be late for work that day. I finished the task just before 8am so I actually could head on to the school so I won’t be super late. Then my eye caught the Prayer and Fasting booklet and my journal on the table. Then there was the prompting to do my quiet time that very moment.

Admittedly, I was a bit hesitant to do it since the P&F material this year is too extensive (at least for me) and requires more time than usual, with the spiritual exercises and all. And it meant I will have to call my school and tell them I had to go half-day.

I know I’m not a super Christian and oftentimes, I don’t walk the talk. But there were some moments in my walk with God that I could really feel when He wants to tell me something. And that day was one of those moments.

The topic that day was about how to hear from God. And that’s something that really interests me, although I have to admit that it’s not really often that I hear from Him. While reading the instructions on the spiritual exercise, crumbs of doubts started filling my mind and heart. I just felt that I’m way too insufficient to hear from God that time. Imagine, I couldn’t do my morning devotions because I would be late for work but I could call in late when there’s an urgent task from my online work? I’m definitely not a model Christian. I mean, why would God talk to me?  I felt undeserving and unqualified to hear from Him that time.

But He did. And the scene’s still very vivid in my memory. These were the very words He spoke to me with:

“I’m the one who created the situation that caused you to be late from school. Because I missed you. You are so busy with your life that we only talk for a bit most of the time. Like a mother waiting for a call from her daughter living far away, I long for you to call Me and talk to Me and spend some time with Me. Yes, you are late for work today but you don’t have to worry because I will take care of it. I am more important than your job. I tell you, you don’t need to worry about your 2017 because I have it all planned perfectly for you. I am in charge of your 2017. You don’t have to worry. All your fears, anxieties, stress, cast them all on Me. I will take care of them. Just believe that I am with you.

There are times when you think you are insignificant. There may be times that you feel you don’t matter, that you are just a small piece of a puzzle. But I tell you, you are significant to Me. You are highly favored. You might not realize it now but I’m storming heavens to pour out the abundance of blessings and love on you. You are so much loved. You are very important to me. Never doubt that even for a second. I have loved you then and I will continue to love you till the end.”

I was crying the whole time I was penning down those words as I hear it. I didn’t expect that actual moment to happen that very morning. It was just so surreal.

I had to pen those words down because I want to read it over and over again. It was one of the remarkable encounters with God that I will definitely go back to whenever I feel down and unqualified. I’m not the highly spiritual type and I failed Him a lot of times but He still loves me and gives me that much importance to actually talk to me and let me hear His voice.

And I’m not psychotic (hello Dr.Gregory House!).

God actually talks to us. He is never busy for us. It is actually us who usually veer away from His presence when we get too busy with work and other things. And I’m guilty of that. I felt undeserving of His love but He still gives it to me in so much abundance.

You may have not experienced hearing from God yet but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t talk to you. Oftentimes, you just have to lock yourself from the world and really spend enough time seeking Him. Take time to enjoy His presence. He can talk to you through a friend, a Bible verse, a situation and promptings. You just need to be sensitive of His voice and believe that He really can talk to you.

When He seems silent, don’t be discouraged. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. According to Oswald Chambers, when God is silent, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible — with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. Silence can also be a sign of intimacy. God wants you to seek Him more and He wants more of your time.

Faith. Never doubt. That’s the paramount point. You have to trust Him that He listens even if He seems silent.

 

 

 

The Inconvenience of the Waiting Period…and the Unexplainable Joy After.

 

The waiting period, in all sense, is inconvenient for most of us. I don’t know anyone who’s fond of waiting in line and would even wish for the waiting period to be longer than usual. Well, not unless you have a really good book to read while waiting in line, then the waiting becomes a bit bearable. But even so, after a few minutes of reading, your eyes will eventually feel tired and you would turn to the clock and see how long you have waited.

See, the waiting part is not easy. It is often patience-stretching. On a deeper note, it is often in this waiting period that our characters are being put to test.

Take for example Lazarus’ sisters Mary and Martha. At the time of their brother’s death, they were waiting on Jesus, believing in their hearts that Jesus can raise Lazarus from the dead and back to life. But Jesus didn’t come at the very moment they were waiting for Him. In fact, He arrived 4 days later. Thus, when Mary saw Him, she said to Him, “if you had been here, my brother would have not died…”

Jesus didn’t let this somehow reproaching question of Mary ruin the moment. He then asked her where the body of Lazarus was laid. Upon getting there, He asked the people with them to remove the stone covering the entrance. And then entered Martha with her pessimistic remarks: “But Lord, by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there for four days.” 

If I were in the position of Jesus during that time, I might transform into Mr. Asimo and I would tell them: Oh eh di kayo na! Sige na wag na lang! Puro kayo kontra!

But Jesus, in all His might and overflowing patience,  told them: “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” (John 11:40)

Oftentimes, we are like Mary and Martha during our waiting season. We tend to be too stuck in our troubles, oftentimes forgetting that God can turn things around for us. We tend to ask God a lot of “whys” and demands that He answer all our questions and maybe, just maybe, we can be comforted.

I must admit, just like Martha, I also tend to entertain doubts and questions during my waiting season. I keep on saying that I believe in Jesus Christ but because sometimes I don’t see Him move in my situation, I tend to think that He is not working in my midst at all. Doubts start to cloud my mind and my heart. And with all honesty, I am trying to shoo away all those doubts and fears with all my might. But my might is not as sturdy and powerful as Jesus’ might is, that’s why I always turn to Him for strength especially during the waiting and trying season.

In Jesus’ word in John 11:40, I was reminded again of God’s promises and assured me once more that all of those will come to pass–not only in the lives of the people in the Bible, but in my life as well.

Faith. That is just what He needs from us. Believe in everything He can do for us and we will experience His wonderful glory.

Yes, the waiting season may be long. We might get confused along the way. We might sometimes go crazy waiting for things to turn our way.  We may feel blinded by the darkness surrounding that long alley towards Jesus’ promise. But remember that Jesus is always the lamp upon our feet to light our way. Yes, it might still be way too dark, but try to open your eyes and look for that light that Jesus is to us.

When we say we are waiting upon the Lord, we must have a heart that is confident in expecting for Him. With confidence, doubts and fears must not be present. Let’s not just believe Jesus in words but more than that, believe Him with our hearts and minds.

Jesus is never late. We all know that. His time is not our time. If He had come during the time that Mary and Martha were waiting for Him to resurrect Lazarus immediately, then they and the other Jews with them might not have witnessed and felt His glory as He raised Lazarus from the dead.

Try to integrate that in your current situation. I tell you, it will make a big difference when you wait upon God’s appointed time. It’s more “magical,” if I may say. Imagine fireworks blasting beautifully in the sky when God’s appointed time for your prayer has finally arrived. It’s not only for you to see but for everyone else to bear witness to.

In my season of waiting, I only have one prayer I keep on saying to God: YOUR WILL OVER MY DESIRE. 

Even if the desire is good and it won’t hurt anybody, still if it’s not the will of God, it’s absolutely pointless. And when I’m praying that to God, I am declaring to Him that I trust His will, I am surrendering to it, and that no matter what, I am believing that He will let His promises to my life come to pass in His own time.

I like what my friend told me about praying for God’s will: If you are praying for His will, consider it done. 

No doubts. If He is for you, there’s nothing that can stop His will to uncover in your life.

 

Don’t Lose Jesus In The Feast

We prayed for something. We sought God for His will. When He answered our prayers, we jumped high in glee. We became too busy and preoccupied on what to do next and how to get things done that we somehow forgot why we earnestly sought God for that thing. Somehow, the things turned from God + Me + His calling for my life to Me + World + What I could get from this answered prayer. Thus, we may not notice it that we’re slowly losing sight of Jesus along the way.

In Luke 2:40 – 52, it tells of the time when Jesus, Mary and Joseph went to Jerusalem to celebrate the feast of the Passover there. Mary and Joseph were so busy and preoccupied with the religious rituals that they didn’t even notice that Jesus was no longer with them. It took them 3 days to find out that Jesus was no longer with them.

I’ve read this story many times before and heard of it from priests and preachers time and time again, but I would honestly say that I always miss the mark of the essence of this story. I just see it as some carelessness in the side of Mary and Joseph. At one point in my youth while reading this part of the Bible, I even thought of Jesus as arrogant because of the way He answered His parents then when they found Him. It was during our coaching last Saturday when I finally got to understand the essence of this story – all thanks to the explanation of my coach 🙂

Just like Mary and Joseph, we may not also notice it but somehow, in the midst of the routines, rituals, highs and lows of this life, we fail to notice that we’re already losing the presence of Jesus as we’re too preoccupied with what to do with our lives or with the situations. An example given by my coach was with the Victory group. As a leader, we sometimes become too used to the routine of preparing for the VG (small group), reading the materials, etc., that there are times when we no longer seek Jesus on His word for the VG members for that particular session. We just read the materials and think as if it’s already enough as long as you can share what’s in that piece of paper. There are even times when we only prepare few minutes before the VG starts. Thus, in some way, we are losing the essence of Jesus in the VG session. Yes, we share about Him but that’s just mainly because He’s the default topic in every VG sharing.

Right now, I am in the season of preparing for the next episode in my life. I prayed to God, sought His will for this new season and He answered me. I was overwhelmed with happiness when I got a ‘yes’ for this particular thing I’ve been praying for and I just knew then that this is the direction that God wants me to go. But somewhere along the way, the worries of the unknown future is trying to cripple my faith and my excitement for this new season. The unnecessary burdens are also working its way to my heart and mind to sap my joy. I’ve been thinking too much about trivial things and worrying a lot about the responses of people that I fail to notice that I am already losing Jesus along the way.

And as always, God’s word for me today is just what I needed to refresh my mind and calibrate my thoughts.

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I might have been worrying too much about the not-so-important stuff that I am somehow losing the very essence of why I prayed for this particular thing to happen in my life. Some months ago, when I started to pray for this, I knew exactly why I wanted this thing so bad. It is for a greater purpose and a greater calling. It was clearly selfless that time. But now, it seemed that because of the clutters in my mind, the prayer is slowly turning into selfishness–always about me and not about HIM.

And all these I have to admit.

Thankfully, Jesus didn’t let go of my hand even if I seemed to be losing grasp of Him. He is still very patient in carrying me back to His path for me at times when I’ve been too engrossed with the sights I see on the left and the right that I didn’t notice I’m already turning to those directions. He gave me that verse in Matthew about worrying because He wanted me to just focus on Him as I step out in faith and embrace His calling for my life. This verse reminded me again that Jesus is the reason for this pursuit and not the people or the situation surrounding it. I know at times the enemy will still feed my mind with lies just to stop me from embracing this new season but I will just go back to this particular morning when Jesus reminded me again on why I prayed about it in the first place. I never want to lose sight of Him again.

If Jesus tells me to go, no matter how odd the circumstances may be, I WILL GO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Buti na lang” Moments

I’m sure you’ve already experienced this “buti na lang” moment at one point in your life, or perhaps even countless times already. These are moments when you’ve been praying to God for something or someone. You’re crying out to Him for that earnest desire in your heart that you so wanted to have. But after all the prayers and tears you shed, there seemed to be no answer from Him. And there you are, sitting inside your room, cuddling your pillow, tears falling down from your eyes, and your heart wants to scream: WHERE WAS GOD WHEN I NEEDED HIM THE MOST!???

Fast forward to say few days, months, or even years after that tearjerking, dire moment. You’re now in a happy state. And then you look back to that moment when you’ve been praying to God for that something or someone which He didn’t give you and you can only utter: “buti na lang Lord hindi mo ako pinagbigyan nun, eh di sana hindi ako super happy ngayon with what I have.”

Remember that popular adage that says God answers our prayers in 3 ways: Yes, No, I have something better in mind? I believe we could truly draw context from that. Admit it, it’s not always a bed of roses in our walk with God. Dark, gloomy days are inevitable just as we are also assured and certain of bright, blissful days with Him. There are times when you feel that God is very near to you and blessings are really overflowing. There are, however, moments when you can’t help but question if God could really hear your prayers.

But then again, the Bible assures us that God is a personal God and He delights in giving us the best of everything. If He seemed to be silent with your heart’s plea, it’s probably because what you’ve been praying for isn’t exactly what God thinks is the best for you that is why He is not blessing you with that.

I had my share of that ‘buti na lang” moments, too.  When I was a freshie in highschool, I had this huge crush on this cute sophomore guy. I super liked him that even if his building was way far from mine, I would ask my friend to accompany me during dismissal time to go to their building just to see him before he goes home. Or if ever I would see him outside and I’m already going home, I would wait for him at the jeepney stop and since I live just a few blocks away from his house, I would always ride on that jeep where he’s riding just so I could enjoy the view going home. I sooo liked this guy that I always pray to God for him to notice me and reciprocate the feelings I have for him. When he graduated in highschool, I was crying hard and I even sneaked into the venue of his graduation ceremony because I want to see him for the last time. I was so crazyily infatuated with him then that I mistook that crying about him and longing for him for love. If there’s such a thing as ultimate crush, he’s definitely the one for me. I spent my highschool life and a good part of my college years wishing only for him to be my boyfriend. It was only when I met my boyfriend during my junior year in college when that feelings for him started to subside, although I still think of him every once in a while and still wish to bump into him.

Few years ago, I learned from a friend that he already has a child and that he’s separated from his wife (I’m not even sure if they’re married). I heard that he’s a womanizer and that he doesn’t even have a job to support his own family.

So what could have I uttered after hearing that news about him? Buti na lang talaga hindi ako pinagbigyan ni God dati. Eh di sana hiwalay na ako sa asawang babaero ngayon! (the latter’s assuming he will have no choice but give in to my pagpapa-cute towards him.)

I am just as thankful now that God didn’t answer my prayer back then. I could have not met the first guy who touched my life in a very special and remarkable way. I could have not experience the kind of life I’m living right now. My life story might be way different and my surrending of life to Jesus Christ would have taken longer than it’s supposed to be.

Another “buti na lang” moment I had was about my career. Back then, I sooo wanted to work for this particular posh publication. When I was in college, I’ve always dreamed of seeing my name in the editorial box of any of the lifestyle magazines of that publication. Everytime I see an opening in their company, I would always send in my resume even if I already have a job then. But I never got the chance to work in that company. I didn’t even see my byline in any of their titles, except for that time when my article about my mom won in one of their contests.

I used to think that maybe, I was not really good enough for that company; that perhaps my writing was crap compared to their pool of writers. I was slowly losing my faith in my writing prowess then.

And then the desire to become a preschool teacher suddenly blossomed in my heart. Because I was so engrossed and enthusiastic about my new-found profession that the dream to work for that posh publication seemed just a light years away now.

Now I understand why God didn’t allow me to work in that publication. He has a different plan for my life and He wants to use me in that plan rather than just be the on-looker on my life. God designed me for greatness and He wants me to carry out that greatness through touching the lives of little children. Furthermore, I also realized that if my dream to work in that publication came true then, I wouldn’t have the luxury of time to commit in the ministries in our church because I will be too tied up with my job, given the endless deadlines and pressures.

Indeed, everything that happens in life has a very essential reason and purpose. We may not understand it while we are still playing our part in that situation, but once we’re done with that scene and we look back, God never fails to make us understand why. It may take days, months, or even years for that realization to occur but rest assured that when you experience that “buti na lang” and “kaya pala” moments, your heart will just be filled with gratefulness to God for letting things happen the way He plans it.

When things aren’t going our way, it maybe that God has a different plan for our life and we only have to put our trust in His divine power because He never fails.

This is also a reminder to myself. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be too small sometimes that we fail to notice it, but rest assured that it’s there. Sometimes, our worries are clouding the hope we have in our heart but no matter what, never let go of that hope because that hope is God’s way of telling you to hold on for He is working behind the scenes and beyond what you can imagine.

Philippians 4:6-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.